Surgically Implanted Body Bomb Threat Should Not Be News

This big news today was the Department of Homeland Security's announcement that terrorists are considering surgically implanting bombs to evade airport security measures imposed by the United States. It is good that Homeland Security is thinking ahead and anticipating potential threats, but why are they just now waking up to this very real threat?

In 2006, Colombian smugglers were caught smuggling surgically implanted heroin inside of live puppies. If the drug smugglers thought of implanting drugs inside of animals, is it not completely logical that suicide bombers would think to implant bombs inside of their own bodies? After all, if the bomber is going to blow up himself anyway, why should we think he would have any reservations about having the bomb implanted? People routinely get breast implants, butt implants, pectoral implants, etc. just to look good. A bomb could easily be implanted and concealed with similar surgeries. If a terrorist is dedicated enough to die just for a chance to kill others, having a bomb implanted is a relatively small sacrifice to make.

Also, what is the big concern with surgically implanted bombs all of a sudden? Smugglers have been swallowing and smuggling drugs for decades. The terrorists could use the "swallow and smuggle" method as well. Of course, there are other body cavities such as rectums and vaginas that could be used to conceal bombs.  Body bombs are a threat, and they have been since criminals figured out the human body is a pretty effective place to hide contraband.

Here is the alarming part. If a suicide bomber chooses to place a bomb inside of his (or her) body, the TSA's current security procedures are unlikely to detect the bomb. So, what does this mean? We will either continue along with the TSA's current methods of performing security theater to appease the public, or the TSA will become even more invasive in its searches of innocent citizens.

Right now, the TSA is just looking under our clothes. Next, they are going to want to look under our skin. Do not be surprised if, in the near future, the TSA wants to X-ray people before each flight. Sure, that will involve very unhealthy doses of radiation, but we will not have to worry about it long, because the TSA will convince us they came up with a way to make the radiation safe. If that sounds hard to believe, just look at all of the airline passengers marching through those radiation-based full-body scanners. A logical person would assume all of those repeated exposures to radiation might pose some considerable health risks, but the TSA tells us there is no reason to worry, and most of us believe them.

TSA Causes Dangerous Police Situation with Bomb Drill

It never ends. On May 12, 2011, the bungling dolts at the Transportation Security Administration were conducting a drill at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with a fake bomb to test the TSA screeners. For some reason, the TSA did not think it would be necessary to alert the police to this drill.

These fake bomb tests are fairly routine. Often, the fake bombs make it past the TSA screeners without incident. This is probably because the TSA screeners are generally just too busy hassling senior citizens who have artificial hips, feeling up little children, and gawking at the naked pictures their buddies are emailing from the full-body scanner observation center. Surprisingly, on this particular occasion, the normally inept TSA screeners were actually able to identify an object that looked like a bomb in an undercover agent's carry-on bag. The resulting TSA actions caused confusion and led to police drawing guns and evacuating the screening area.

Someone could have been killed during all of this confusion. The undercover agent with the fake bomb could have been shot by police or--even worse--a panicked bystander who could have been acting oddly due to the stressful situation could have been mistaken for an accomplice and shot.

This is another example of just how utterly incompetent the TSA is. This ridiculous agency of glorified mall cops cannot be trusted with the safety of the American people.

TSA Pat-Down on Baby

TSA Performing Pat-Down on Baby

You may sleep well tonight knowing the TSA is doing all it can to protect you from the terrifying surge of baby bombs. Some of us have read about the horrible practice of babies being used in exploding booby traps during the Vietnam War to injure American soldiers, so we cannot be too careful, right? What will happen if an al-Qaeda operative finds a book in a library and gets inspired to hide a bomb in a baby's diaper? Apparently, that is a tremendous threat, so the TSA is feeling up the babies now.

Take a long hard look at this photo. This is what it looks like when freedom begins to die.

The TSA's Roundtrip Ticket to Your Anus

Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, the Butt Bomber

In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia on August 27, 2009, al-Qaeda terrorist, Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, attempted to kill Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, the Saudi Deputy Interior Minister in charge of Counter-Terrorism. Al-Asiri tricked the prince into believing he was a terrorist who wished to surrender and help the Saudi government fight terrorism. Using this ploy, al-Asiri managed to get within feet of the prince--in the prince's home--and detonate a bomb.

You might be wondering how an admitted terrorist was able to get a bomb within feet of a prominent public official in his own home. He did so by concealing the bomb in his rectum. Fortunately for the prince, al-Asiri's body deflected much of the blast away from the prince, and the prince did not suffer any serious injuries. A better-constructed bomb, however, could have easily killed everyone in the room.

Of course, this brings up the issue of airline security. If a known terrorist can use his rectum to get a bomb into a public official's home, what is keeping a terrorist from using his rectum to sneak a bomb past the dolts working the TSA airport security checkpoints?

How long will it be before the Transportation Security Administration decides rectum bombs are a legitimate threat to airplanes? What is in store for us then? Will the TSA have us dropping our pants, bending over tables, and sticking their fingers into our anuses to probe our rectums? How else will they know whether or not we have bombs up there? Those full-body scanners might not be able to detect certain explosives with densities similar to human tissue.

You know, if man can hide a bomb in his rectum, a woman could hide a bomb in her rectum and another bomb in her vagina. How long before the TSA wants to probe around inside of vaginas looking for bombs?

Here the worst part. The TSA is currently defending its intrusive pat-downs of small children on the grounds that no class of passenger can be treated differently from the others. The concept is that, if the TSA does not pat-down children aggressively, the terrorists will begin to use children in their suicide attacks. Based on this logic, the TSA will want to inspect the anuses and vaginas of small children who wish to fly.

By this point, hopefully you are seeing how ridiculous airport security has become. Is our security really worth all of this humiliation? At some point, the precautions become worse than the threat.